Let’s take another look at Al and Susan, the married couple from Chapter Two, this time focusing on Al.

Al’s first thoughts of the day are about work.  While shaving in the morning, he plans his day and prepares for its challenges. It feels nice to have his family around him in the house, but he looks forward to the office, where he can settle in his desk chair, and accomplish the tasks he has set out to do.  He prides himself on all that he can provide for his family now that he has risen in his field and has a higher salary and status.

Al loves his wife, but it is difficult for him to express his feelings. When he comes home at night, he wants to be able to read the paper and go through his email.  Susan’s attempts to engage him in conversation are futile and annoy him.  Al feels crowded, and the feeling increases as she becomes more strident in her attempts to gain his attention.  Sometimes he responds harshly, but Al believes that this is the only way to stop what he perceives as invasive behavior.  He is more comfortable being alone or at work, where he doesn’t have to deal with emotional demands.  Although he used to enjoy sex in the early years of their relationship, he now tries to avoid it much of the time.

Al finds it much easier to express affection towards his children.  He is more able to accept their simple needs and his responsibility to nurture them.  They only demand his outward attention, but Susan seems to want something more.  She seems to want to know his thoughts on everything, frequently asking that he express affection towards her.  She becomes upset if she senses he is hiding something.  Al feels like Susan is trying to possess, control and invade him, and that he must battle to defend his space.    

Behind Walls

In order to cope with the anxiety that arises when they are in intimate situations, stingers often distance themselves from their inner lives. While clingers find it easy to talk about their feelings, stingers have trouble expressing them.  Clingers feel too vulnerable, intimidated, and ashamed to be so candid about their innermost emotions.  They believe that emotions are private and should not be shared.

As a relationship continues, stingers may need love at their deepest levels, but they often feel too vulnerable to express it.  They are not likely to put loving feelings into words or behavior.  A hallmark of stingers is the preference for communicating love through helpful actions, rather than affection.  If something is broken, they will fix it; if there is a physical emergency, they will be there immediately.  But clinger partners, as in “Fiddler on the Roof”, will still wonder, “But do you love me?”  The words, the looks, the touch, those little something extras embodying tenderness that clingers treasure are just not there.  When one clinger spoke of the day her stinger companion finally proclaimed his love for her in a skyscraper hotel, she said, “I thought the roof would cave in, because he had never said those words before. I was afraid he never would!”

When it comes to their relationship with pets or children, stingers may allow their affectionate side to emerge.  There is nothing more frustrating to a clinger than to see his or her stinger partner fawning over a child or the family pet - speaking in baby talk, hugging, stroking, grooming!  When stingers find it difficult to express loving feelings to their romantic partners, they can be affectionate to animals because they pose no emotional threat.  Stingers can give unabashedly to a pet with no fear of being consumed.  There is no need to fear being weak or dependent; a pet owner is in a position of higher authority in relation to the pet.  Similar displays of affection may also manifest between stingers and young children.

Stingers feel that being intimate gives another person control over them.  They usually perceive dependency as a weakness and assume that people will inflict emotional pain if they spot vulnerability.  The stingers’ primary concern is to maintain a sense of control, and they check vigilantly for any chinks in their armor.

When stingers have problems in relationships, they often say that they feel owned, controlled, caged, smothered, or suffocated.  Some go as far to say that they are feeling devoured or engulfed by their partner.  Except for the period of initial infatuation, when a relationship is new and less threatening, stingers find it difficult to be close to another.  If they perceive that their protective wall is at risk of being breached, they may lash out and sabotage the relationship to prevent their deepest fear from being realized.

Being in a relationship usually requires some moments of compromise. At times, the needs of the individual are sacrificed for the unity of the relationship to succeed.  For stingers, though, sustaining a relationship feels like more than the occasional compromise.  They feel they will eventually be overwhelmed by the emotional requirements of another.  

The stinger is like a snapping turtle.  With its shell, it is constantly striving to protect it from engulfment.  While the shell serves well as protection, it prevents the turtle from being able to move freely and reach out with openness. The shell is also a weapon; its hard surface is able to hurt others.  Stingers snap with cold, stinging comments; these are also effective at keeping people at a distance.

Many stingers try to obtain validation through their work and other activities, rather than through interpersonal relationships.  They are often workaholics and loners, who spend long hours in front of computers or engaging in other solitary projects.  A classic stinger is an achievement-oriented person who is distant and businesslike; he or she uses work and other activities to avoid intimacy.   The stinger’s underlying fear of closeness, especially when combined with workaholic tendencies, makes it difficult for her/him to see relationships as anything more than a social obligation or, at best, a source of entertainment when solitary occupations become boring.  Unable to relish the joys of intimate companionship, stingers may go through the motions at a social gathering, or be helpful to their friends.  Their inner world, however, feels stiff, tense, and unable to flow with these simple pleasures.    

Moderate stingers may have many casual acquaintances, but no intimate friends. Even in their close friendships, stingers are far less likely to be self-disclosing and are more emotionally guarded than clingers.  The extreme stinger may depend exclusively on one friend for emotional support.  Thus, he or she is unlikely to have a viable support system in times of crisis.  The more centered stingers, however, can be loyal, patient, and faithful to friends.  In the context of a non-romantic -- and thus, less threatening -- relationship, they can even be outgoing, caring, and sensitive.  Because a friendship does not require the deeper intimacies of a lover-relationship, it feels safer.  It is easier to keep a friend at arm’s length, and most friends do not demand intimate discourse anyway as they may feel it is none of their business.  This is perfect for the stinger!

Sam and John have been friends for many years.  Sam, a stinger, hardly ever calls John.  John, a clinger, has learned to accept that Sam cares deeply about him but is never going to be the one to call.  Years before, they had lived together very happily.  Sam had moved out of town to get married.  When John suffered from a critical illness, out of all of his friends, it was Sam who offered to fly across the country, take time off from work, and come to care for him.  Their friendship has lasted for many years and has survived many trials in each of their lives.

            Sam rarely reaches out and calls John, but when John really needs him, Sam is there.  Situations that require support seem to be the key, rather than the relationship itself.  Sam is able to offer support to John because of a problem or issue, and John doesn’t demand affection.  

It’s important to note, however, that the extreme stingers’ coolness and unemotional priorities can be the undoing of friendships.  In case after case, I observe that when close, caring attention is needed by a friend or lover, it is very difficult, if not impossible, for the extreme stinger to help.

            Sue and Joan had been good friends for a long time.  When Sue became pregnant, she asked Joan to be her birthing coach.  Joan, an artist who happened to be a stinger, accepted.  During labor, however, Joan left in the middle of Sue’s painful contractions to go to an art show.  It took Sue a long time to tell Joan how hurt and angry she felt.  When she did, Joan was defensive and made excuses for her untimely departure.  She was unable to recognize or acknowledge the depth of pain that her abandonment had caused. After this confrontation, the two women drifted apart.  Although the friendship did not formally end, they eventually lost contact with each other.

There are those who admire stingers’ autonomy and their respect for other people’s boundaries or personal space.  Stingers try not to intrude on the private affairs of others, and expect the same from those around them.  However, extreme stingers can appear to be arrogant and insensitive to others’ needs.  These stinging qualities are often unintentional and motivated by unconscious fears.  Among acquaintances, many stingers are sociable people whom others like to be around because of their self-assurance and undemanding nature. 

Extreme Stingers

Not surprisingly, Hollywood exploits the character of the stinger on-screen in a plethora of movies.  Actor Sir Anthony Hopkins has excelled at portraying extreme stingers, for example, as the butler in Remains of the Day (1993).

In Remains of the Day, James Stevens (Anthony Hopkins), the butler, falls in love with the housekeeper, Miss Kenton (Emma Thompson).  Both are stingers, but Stevens’ reserve and fear of intimacy is far more intense than hers.  She tries everything short of direct confrontation to encourage open communication with him.  Beneath the veneer of their social position and British reserve, it becomes evident that they really do love one another.  However, his formality, distance, and habit of hiding behind a mask of manners and decorum, finally drives her to leave.  She marries a man whom she loves far less but who responds to her need for a fuller relationship.  Stevens and Miss Kenton never reveal to each other their true feelings.  They go on leading separate lives while still secretly loving one another.   

Holly Golightly (Audrey Hepburn), the main character in the movie Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961), is another example of an extreme stinger.  She is so threatened by becoming too close with another, that she even hesitates in creating a lasting connection with her pet.  She refuses to name him and simply calls him “Cat.”

In order to maintain her status of a popular socialite, Holly is adept at giving each male acquaintance the feeling that she adores him and loves spending time with him.  However, when her friendship with Paul Varjak (George Peppard) introduces real and meaningful emotions, she does everything in her power to avoid it.  She goes so far as to become engaged to another man.  Paul confronts her and explains how she avoids intimacy with an eloquent description of her stinger personality.  Holly finally comes to realize that she cannot live without Paul.  She is able to let go of her emotional defenses and discovers how wonderful intimacy can be.  For many stingers, however, it is often too late by the time they are ready to open up; their partner has given up and moved on.

In the movie, Something's Gotta Give (2003), 63-year old Harry Sanborn (Jack Nicholson) is a playboy, womanizer, music label executive, who learns a little lesson about love in his later years.  He has a reputation for dating women a third his age.  He takes Marin (Amanda Peet), his latest fling, to her mother Erica's beach house, where he suffers a heart attack and is left in the care of Erica (Dianne Keaton). 

Both Harry and Erica are stingers.  Erica is a celebrated playwright who creates romantic scripts.  She has been alone for a long time and has not kissed a man in many years.  Though Erica has not allowed herself to fall in love in a long time, she falls prey to Harry's charm.  Harry, himself, is befuddled, as he has never let himself truly fall in love with anyone either; he has only used women.  Erica is less of a stinger than Harry and falls in love with him completely.  Harry, on the other hand, has never dated anyone over the age of thirty; he does not grasp the idea of commitment, nor does he want to.

There's a charming scene where Harry and Erica are chatting online.  Harry initially types on the computer, "I miss you," but reluctantly erases the letters and types something else more superficial.  She had anticipated that response of which he initially had, but she never gets it. 

After having a near death experience, Harry has a different perspective on life.  He re-visits all of his past girlfriends.  Many of them shut the door immediately and will not even speak with him.  He visits Marin, who is now pregnant; she introduces him to her young husband.   Harry asks about her mother, and Marin says that she is in Paris, celebrating her birthday.  Harry remembers plans he once made with Erica: if they still knew each other after six months, they would go to Paris together to celebrate their birthdays together.  Harry takes off to Paris and finds her sitting in a café.  He tells Erica about how he visited all of his ex-girlfriends and reflected on his life. 

In the middle of their intense conversation, Julian Mercer (Keanu Reeves), a young doctor who has been smitten with Erica, re-joins her at the table.  Julian invites Harry to stay for dinner with them, and Harry, of course, is mortified.  He has lost his true love.  He says farewell to them as they take off.  We are transported to a scene where Harry is standing on a bridge in Paris; he is in tears, saying that he now is  “the female.”  He finally recognizes that she is the love of his life, and he has lost her. 

The story has not ended, however.  Julian sees that Erica is still in love with Harry, and he releases her.  In a beautifully romantic scene, Harry and Erica profess their love of each other.  These two stingers are transformed by the loss of each other.  Unlike many unlucky singers, they are given a second chance.

Sexual Illusions

The bedroom is sometimes the only place where stingers shed their usual restraint.  Sex can be their only means of close communication.  They pride themselves on their prowess as lovers.  However, their contrasting inability to communicate in any other way can be baffling and extremely frustrating for their partners.  Stingers’ enthusiasm for sexual expression, especially in the beginning of a relationship, often misleads their partners into believing that the stinger will be readily available on an emotional level as well.  As the relationship progresses and such stingers become alarmed by their partners’ expectations for emotional closeness, their fear of even sexual intimacy increases until it becomes overwhelming.  To control their anxiety as the relationship progresses, such stingers may eventually avoid sex. 

Like sexuality, dancing is another way that stingers might express intimacy. While on the dance floor, the stinger is often able to be very close and loving, holding the partner tight, appearing to be very receptive and open.  As in the example of April and Michael in the opening of this chapter, one can easily be deluded by a stinger’s dancing behavior, thinking that there is a future in the relationship when there isn’t.  As in the act of lovemaking, when stingers might be able to shout out, “I love you!,” then afterwards act as though nothing happened, the same can occur with dancing.  The stinger can be free in the moments on the dance floor in public, yet afterwards, act as though it did not happen.  The stinger is unable to acknowledge the level of intimacy that was previously there.

More extreme stingers cannot stay with a dance partner very long, although they can be warm and supportive when they are dancing.  The partner of the stinger may be shocked by the sudden departure that does not fit with the apparent intimacy of the situation.  Perhaps some stingers position themselves during sexual intercourse, such that they are able to avoid eye contact.  This can be another means of avoiding intimacy.

Although stingers find it difficult to express affection, many do yearn for satisfying relationships, albeit inwardly.  The problem is that as soon as a relationship progresses from flirtation and attraction to love and intimacy, stingers change from being warm and open to being uneasy and guarded.  They may crave the attention and affection that they receive in a relationship, but they are afraid of giving it themselves.  The extreme stinger may depend exclusively on one friend for emotional support. Thus, he or she is unlikely to have a viable support system in times of crisis.  Extreme stingers could be outgoing and talkative but still be unwilling to reveal insecurities about themselves or problems in their lives.  These inner barriers, usually the result of past traumas or problematic relationships early in life, prevent the stinger from engaging fully in a relationship. Unconscious fears of becoming vulnerable to emotional pain or to being controlled by another can cause them to push away otherwise compatible partners and friends.

Commitment and Intimacy: An Inverse Relationship

Despite their fears, most stingers feel some need for a relationship in their lives. Being attracted to someone can be such a powerful experience for the stinger that it leads to commitment.  However, once stingers have attained the object of their desire and taken the leap into a committed relationship, their subconscious fears emerge.  They start inventing ways of being emotionally unavailable to their partner.  Thus, for stingers, there is an inverse relationship between commitment and intimacy.  The greater the commitment, the less likely they are to be emotionally and even sexually available to their partner.  The phrase “the honeymoon is over,” aptly describes stinger avoidance behavior.  An intensely sexual premarital relationship begins to wane after the marriage ceremony and honeymoon.  This, of course, can apply to non-marital relationships when the stinger moves in with his or her partner or spends regular time with the partner.

References:

Breakfast at Tiffany's. Dir. Blake Edwards. Perf. Audrey Hepburn. Paramount, 1961.

The Remains of the Day. Dir. James Ivory. By Ruth Prawer Jhabvala. Perf. Anthony Hopkins, Emma Thompson, and James Fox. Columbia Pictures Corporation, 1993.

Something's Gotta Give. Dir. Nancy Meyers. Perf. Jack Nicholson and Dianne Keaton. Columbia Pictures Corporation, 2003.

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