Perhaps you believe you have finally found the perfect partner.  Perhaps you have already exchanged messages, phone calls, and shared a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. Yet on that very first evening when your potential partner comes over for dinner, should you then place the C-S test before him or her?  Probably not!  At times like this, asking someone to take the C-S test may be inappropriate or impossible.  This final chapter assists you to identify intimacy patterns without administering this test.  Moreover, the concepts presented here will help you understand how your own personal intimacy pattern is likely to play out when you get close to that someone special.

Personal Boundaries

In the dance of love, as partners become closer, the risk of losing balance and stumbling multiplies. As someone enters your most intimate personal spaces, they may stir within you your deepest psychological dynamics. Getting close to another human being is a challenge in managing personal boundaries. 

Simply put, boundaries define personal space. You can get a sense of how guarded you are with personal space by answering the following questions: When living with someone, do you prefer to have a your own room?  Do you at times prefer to be alone to sleep, relax, pursue hobbies, work?  Or, is your major goal togetherness? Do you prefer to merge finances, to keep them distinct, or to have some shared accounts and some separate?

Boundary issues get increasingly more complex as we explore their mental, emotional and spiritual implications. Do you find yourself constantly worrying about the people you love, feeling somehow responsible when something goes wrong in their lives? Or, do you help when asked and then feel at ease; you respect your partner’s right to live her or his own life and make her or his own mistakes? Are you able to maintain a feeling of connection with your loved ones despite physical distance between you? Are you overly sensitive to the emotional states of others to the point of feeling disrupted by them? Or, do you feel isolated or disconnected from others?

In his comprehensive book, Boundaries and Relationships (1993), Dr. Charles Whitfield defines boundaries as “where I and my physical and psychological space end and where you and yours begin.” He points out that setting certain “healthy” limits helps to prevent “unnecessary pain and suffering.” When we respect boundaries, we “protect and maintain” our integrity and well-being, and that of our partner.  This is the ideal towards which we all need to strive -- that is, to be “centered,” instead of stingers or clingers.

Applying Dr. Whitfield’s analysis within our framework of intimacy patterns, we discover that a centered couple provides a model for healthy boundaries and a balanced relationship.  Respect for oneself and respect for another guides a successful relationship between two centered persons. Centered partners do not cross the line by the uninvited invasion of personal space; they do not harm the relationship with mistreatment, abuse, or chronic self-sacrifice. Centered partners have the ability to keep perspective in the midst of emotion and are always wary of where the lines are drawn.

Although maintaining a certain amount of personal space is part of balanced living, stingers are found to be overly protective when it comes to boundaries. Indeed, they tend to spend as much time as possible unconsciously “hiding out”, whether it be in an isolated room of the household, behind a newspaper, in front of the television, glued to the computer, biking fifty miles, or engaged in a solitary activity.  In a sense, stingers drop out of the partnership.

 There is, however, a subset of stingers who are generally not adept at keeping detached. These stingers are unable to set limits. The root of this anomaly is found in their inability to express feelings. Locked in an invisible prison of inner isolation, they walk through life without any of the enjoyment that might come from free flowing give-and-take or the concurrent gifts of companionship. They do what is asked of them-- coolly and detached, of course, but they do it.  When demands become too much, stingers are likely to become irritable and lash out with impatience and crankiness rather than say, “I am tired and need to get some rest and be alone.”

While these are instances of stingers, the more common condition is that of clingers - those who do whatever the partner requests, no matter the personal cost. They will do anything to keep the relationship and do not wish to rock the boat by asking for consideration of their own needs. Their boundaries tend to be too malleable and, in the most extreme cases, non-existent.  It is difficult for them to sense where one person’s personal space ends and the other’s begins.  Extreme clingers are needy; they desire to merge with or become one with a partner. They want their partners to become part of them and want to involve themselves in every aspect of their partners’ lives. They do not want any boundaries separating them from their partners, as is often expressed in their need for closeness.

Stingers tend to be very careful about intruding on another person’s affairs. They maintain a distance between themselves and others. They are especially wary and feel uncomfortable when their partners overstep boundaries.  If boundaries are not rigid and not clearly defined up front, they threaten being overwhelmed, invaded, hurt, or possessed.

In contrast, a clinger is likely to give advice and pry into another person’s personal life, causing a partner to feel invaded.  Such clingers also expect this type of behavior from their partners.  This is a form of codependency, a connection between two people with psychological boundaries that are inadequate or non-existent (Beattie, 2008). Some clingers obsess over the problems of someone they love and habitually worry about them.  They feel responsible for them, try to protect or try to change them, and may even blame their partner for their own unhappiness.  As sung in the broadway musical, No, No, Nanette (1940), “I want to be happy but I can’t be happy until I make you happy too.” (Lyricist Vincent Youmans).

It is possible for codependent stingers to switch in and out of their usual state of rigid boundaries into the opposite state.  This “out of character” change may occur in a time of severe crisis.  Codependent clingers, similarly in a crisis, may suddenly create a wall or otherwise harden their boundaries, retreating behind them for protection.  The implications for identifying intimacy patterns are clear, but a superficial snapshot at any given time may render a false reading.  For example, nearly everyone thinks they want a relationship.  A stinger may say, “I want to get married and have children,” however, the stinger is not willing to do what is necessary to sustain relationships.  So, they emulate the behaviors that make them seem more clinger-type, but the reality is that they will not make the accommodations for a successful and mutual relationship.

Affection and the Communication of Feelings

            Are you affectionate?

In the dance of intimacy, clingers and centered persons generally tell their partners how they feel and can express their love openly with touch. Clingers actively seek close relationships and affection. For them, physical and emotional intimacy is the essence of living.  The more extreme the clinger, the more frequent the expression of affection and the more likely that such expression will spill into inappropriate boundary violations (e.g. expressing affection physically when the partner does not wish it).  Centered persons are sensitive to their partners’ needs and wishes for “space”, as well as the appropriateness of the time and place.

When trying to gauge someone’s intimacy pattern according to how much they express affection, timing is critical.  At the beginning of a relationship, when they are on the chase and less consumed with fear, stingers are warmer and more open.  At this time, stingers are more able to respect boundaries and be more independent.  When stingers first fall in love, they do not appear to be afraid of intimacy or displays of affection; the uninformed clinger, unfortunately, is given the wrong impression.  During the “chase phase,” where they are actively trying to snag their partner, stingers might behave romantically, express affection, and focus intently on their partner.  Stingers may behave flirtatiously, acting as if they yearn for closeness, especially when the object of their affection appears hard to get.  When their overtures are consistently met with positive responses and the relationship is “in the bag,” however, stingers are likely to change and appear uncaring, distant or reserved.  Perhaps it was a clinger involved with a stinger who coined the phrase: “the honeymoon phase is over.”

Look at the case of Cecelia, who is a stinger, and observe how she is able to compartmentalize and shut out her feelings.

Cecelia is married and having an affair with Tim, a clinger, who is also married. While Cecelia has no problem coming home after a liaison and putting on a facade for her husband and children, acting as if nothing is going on, Tim is tortured by the separation from Cecelia, frets about the dual life he leads, and does not present the same nonchalant mask to his wife and children. Each morning, Cecilia talks passionately with Tim on the phone and then returns to the rest of her day with remarkable ease.  Tim is not able to compartmentalize as she does . He cannot get Cecilia out of his mind. Moreover, he has not made love to his wife in a long time, as he feels that he is really in love with Cecelia.

Often during these morning calls, Tim senses that Cecelia’s attention drifts away from him, even before the conversation ends.  She has already begun the process of tucking away her feelings: it is as if “she stuffs him into a drawer” and will let her feelings out again only when they speak the next morning or see one another in secret.

Cecelia has not been close with her husband for quite some time. Having an affair with a married man allows her to express her passionate side without real commitment. There is little or no chance that the affair will evolve into a residing live-in relationship.  Daily intrusions on her personal space would cause her to withdraw, as she has with her husband.

As we have seen, clingers and stingers express affection in completely different ways.  Clingers tend to be more open and vulnerable, while stingers are more private and self-protective.  Stingers might express their need for closeness through some form of artistic expression, such as writing, painting, or photography, where they are able to reveal themselves in a more detached way.  The solitude and task-orientation of the stinger pattern can contribute to a life in the creative arts, in contrast to the sociable, people orientation of the clinger pattern.  It is not that stingers are more artistic than clingers, but rather, they express their creativity in different ways.  A stinger poet may express desire for closeness and love through beautiful poetry on paper.  A clinger, on the other hand, would probably share those feelings more directly through conversation and contact.  Since relating to people is a clinger’s top priority, it is quite difficult for them to withdraw into solitary arts.

Sexuality

There is an old saying familiar to many women that the only time you have a man’s full attention is in those moments immediately before and during sex.  This observation is apt for stingers; the pleasure of sex sometimes surpasses their rigid boundaries. Making love may be the only time stingers express verbal and physical affection and allow for closeness and interdependency. Therefore, it is easy to see how sex might become addictive for partners in the stinger-clinger dance.

For many stingers, especially those who are just starting a new relationship, making love may be the only setting where they free their inhibitions and allow their walls to be permeated.  Clingers, who are partnered with stingers, are often frustrated by the lack of affection in words and touch.  Sex is one of the few times they get the reassurance and physical closeness they crave.

The stinger is usually focused on sexual prowess as it relates to control over his or her lover.  Being in control feels safer.  Stingers also tend to be ardent, active lovers. While many stingers might become annoyed at always having to initiate sex, it nevertheless provides a sense of achievement - the legendary “notch on the bedpost”.  However, threatened by the intimacy of the situation, the stinger may have a “hit-it-and-quit-it” attitude and leave the partner’s bed immediately after sex.  The clinger lover will, of course, be disappointed by this, for he or she would relish the closeness of cuddling in bed after making love.

 In the mid 1980s, before the prevalence of AIDS, Gregory had many lovers and loved to brag about his sexual prowess. He seduced many women by describing, in detail, the sexual delights that were in store for them. By any standard, he was not classically “handsome,” yet he made up for that with his ability to flirt and please women sexually. By making sex an art form, Gregory successfully maintained several women as lovers, all simultaneously and without commitment to any one of them.

            As a stinger, Gregory felt in control when he made love.  However, he held no real emotional ties to anyone—not even family members—and spent the better part of his life, then and now, more or less by himself.

Long-term sexual relationships are perilous to stingers. Sexual encounters with the same person over time may prompt a fear of engulfment. The ongoing nature of same relationships, combined with the intense intimacy of sex, increases the stinger’s anxiety.  At some point, the anxiety reaches unbearable levels.  Like prey stalked by a lion, the fight or flight response takes over. They feel threatened, as if they are losing control and their individuality.  This sets off the stingers’ inner emotional alarms.  Often, stingers will react to the perceived threat by withdrawing sexually.  In a stinger-clinger relationship, this initiates a downward spiral.  The stinger’s retreat stirs more emotional demands and evokes cries for reassurance from the clinger partner.  The clinger increases expression of her/his need for love and appears as an even greater threat to the stinger, who withdraws further.

Clingers, while sometimes passive in regards to sex, nevertheless are likely to plan and orchestrate grand attempts at intimacy.  They, for example, may set up a “love nest” in the bedroom, cook a romantic dinner, or wear a sexy outfit.  Of course, these efforts are often met with a noticeable lack of enthusiasm by a stinger partner.

After many calls and e-mails, Marie finally arranges a baby-sitter for her children in an effort to get some private time with her partner, Sean.  On their weekend getaway, however, Sean spends their time alone exploring the hotel’s 300-channel satellite TV system.  This toy takes precedence over the opportunity to make love.  When Marie suggests that Sean spend the time with her and not with the TV, he laughs and continues flipping through the channels.  Marie feels hurt and rejected; she feels that she has wasted valuable energy arranging their private getaway.  Sean, upon noticing her expression, claims that there has been a misunderstanding; he was just kidding, he assures her.  Yet when Sean reaches for Marie, she recoils.

Still, though, Marie desperately desires intimacy.  When it is time for bed, this seems to her the final opportunity.  Her partner follows her into the bedroom, turns on the television again, and immediately falls asleep.  This was only one of a long series of disappointments for this clinger in her relationship with her husband.

An extreme stinger might go so far as to ignore her/his partner for days after an intense sexual experience.  Indeed, some stingers become verbally abusive after sex. This is incomprehensible to the clinger.  When this extreme behavior occurs, the clinger feels punished for intimacy and may become phobic about sex or shows of affection, feeling inadequate, blaming him/herself, and fearing rejection, abuse, or withdrawal. 

Withdrawal from sexual interaction often has little impact on the stinger’s sense of self worth.  With clingers, it is just the opposite. They are likely to wonder, “What is wrong with me?” or “Is she or he having an affair?”  A clinger’s self-image and self-confidence are fragile elements that are easily eroded since they are dependent heavily on the approval of others.  Clingers with no insight into the root causes of stinger behavior assume they are being rejected sexually because they are unattractive or sexually inept or, perhaps, that there is a better lover waiting somewhere.

If it weren’t for sex, Sally and Joe would be utterly incompatible.  There was such sexual chemistry between them that they had a hard time keeping out of bed.  In a few instances, they achieved a rare form of orgasm in which they felt as one, neither of them knowing where one body began and where the other ended and unaware of who was giving to whom. This incidence of total sexual union is rare and, for most, non-existent.

Immediately after sharing one of these experiences of “total orgasm,” Sally (the stinger) gets up and starts washing the dishes left in the sink, because neither could wait to make love after their meal.  Joe (the clinger), however, lays paralyzed and incredulous to see that Sally could leave his side immediately after such an intense experience. Joe wants to savor the intimacy and wants to linger in bed, to cuddle, to enjoy the sensual moments of touch.  Sally just rolls out of bed as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened.

Some stingers never actually get into the bedroom. They are riddled with fear—fear that emerges as uncertainty. “Should I make love to this person? There might be somebody better, someone with less drama, or someone older, younger, more attractive, smarter, not as intelligent, skinnier, with more meat on his/her bones?”  The permutations are endless, because the rationalization process serves as a protective mechanism.  These stingers truly believe in their excuses right up to when they are faced with a loss, and even then, they may fail to question their beliefs.

Centered persons delight in the intense closeness of sexuality, because they are self-confident and loving partners.  For them, sexuality is an expression of love between two equal, consenting adults who rightfully respect each other. Sex is not “required;” it is a treat.  It is two people who delight in the mutuality of giving and receiving pleasure. The centered person is able to move into that place of deep merging with another and then re-emerge with her or his sense of individuality intact. He or she is not threatened, but affected by the opening of personal boundaries that she or he has just experienced.

Reactions to Conflict

Stingers tend to withdraw when there is conflict; clingers are more likely to appease.  In a conflict between the two, as the stinger withdraws, the clinger tries harder and harder to reconcile.  Unfortunately, the clinger’s efforts to alleviate tension between them might only push the stinger farther away. As one clinger eloquently expressed to her stinger lover:

      I was giving you all the emotion and love and attention that I wanted from you...and when you rejected my behavior, I tried harder and only worsened the situation, losing myself in a sea of confusion and anguish. I was trying to do or say anything to hang onto the concept of you and me - forever in blissful companionship, and, yes, love. I now see how impossible it was. The fear of losing you was so overpowering that I stopped believing in myself . . . I stopped listening to myself, my emotions, my feelings, and my thoughts. So great was my fear of doing something that would make you angry, I started to second guess you and try to tell you the things you wanted to hear.

Stingers use various ways to avoid conflict.  One method is simply the ‘head-in-the-sand’ approach, in which the stinger purposefully remains blissfully ignorant of the situation. Another way is to respond to the clinger’s emotional expressions with silence. In turn, the clinger will probably react with intensified emotion and immense frustration.

Conflict is not easy or comfortable for anyone. However, the centered person recognizes that no two people will agree on everything all the time.  He or she neither denies conflict nor feels overly threatened by it.  A centered person considers conflict an opportunity to negotiate differences that may have been simmering beneath the surface for a while. And while resolution of the conflict is ideal, acceptance of certain differences may be required and compromises necessary.  Open communication is vital.  A centered person understands that it is the process of respectful communication rather than the actual resolution that is the most critical for the dance.

Anger

The way anger is expressed varies between the clinger and stinger. In many cases, those who tend to vent a lot of anger are likely to be clingers.  Conversely, those who are more indirect about anger are likely to be stingers.  In a codependent clinger/stinger relationship, the clinger may rant and rave about how victimized she or he is and how the stinger is responsible for all her or his pain.  This outcry might be met with silence, that is, with no acknowledgment of the other person’s feelings.  In contrast, the stinger may indirectly do something that is designed to hurt their partner. The stinger refuses to take any responsibility for her or his passive aggressive actions. 

As long as the stinger does not acknowledge anger, she or he must let it out indirectly.  Stinger attacks may appear to be calculated and ruthless, and yet, stingers often are not aware of subconscious anger and also the impact that it has on the other person. The stinger will thus take no responsibility for their punitive or thoughtless behavior. For example, a stinger woman cut down her husband’s prized cherry trees while gardening.  When she was confronted about it, she only said that she wanted to make room for sunshine. In another case, a stinger mother was hospitalized for a week before she called her daughter to inform her.  She explained that she knew how busy her daughter was and did not want to disturb her.  Needless to say, the daughter was furious.

 The stinger can use anger as a way of avoiding intimacy; the clinger can use it to fuel a sense of entitlement.  As the cognitive psychologist, Albert Ellis, would say, this sense of entitlement is an instance of “MUSTerbation”, “You, you louse, must treat me well or you’re worthless and deserve to roast in hell” (Ellis in Mishlove, 2010).  When the clinger expresses anger, the stinger feels endangered and withdraws, so as to protect her or himself from attack. 

Sometimes the withdrawal of the stinger rouses so much anger in the clinger, that she or he becomes violent or verbally abusive.  Of course, such extremes of expression and cruelty only push the stinger further away.  So, invariably, the cycle continues.  In order for the clinger to calm down, the stinger needs to reach out in a positive manner.  This, of course, is the last thing a stinger is inclined to do.

The centered person treats anger as she or he treats other emotions: as a feeling that conveys a message.  Anger is a powerful emotion that says, “Something has got to give here.”  The centered person will take a few deep breaths and perhaps some time alone before blurting or bellowing.   A centered person has a sense of why he or she is feeling angry and can plan a constructive way to discuss what is going on.  She or he may even decide that a change in her or his own attitude is required.  No one should deny anger; the skill is in channeling and expressing it in a way that does not cast blame or hurt the other.  This process requires self-awareness, self-discipline, and patience.  It also requires both self-love and respect for the partner.

Jealousy

Due to their insecurity, clingers tend to be jealous and possessive.  Strangely enough, some stingers appear this way at times as well.  Stingers often assure themselves and their partners that they are not the jealous type.  Admitting the very human emotion of jealousy would reveal how much their partner truly means to them.  Such disquieting feelings are at odds with the stinger façade of invulnerability and control.  Moreover, feeling jealous also means the stinger requires reciprocal fidelity from his or her partner. The stinger, theoretically at least, does not want to put chains on his or her partner lest that partner reciprocates with these demands.  If they are able to, they just cope by hiding their feelings.

              When one stinger’s marriage became unworkable, she finally had to admit her jealousy.

Alice’s husband tells her that he is in love with her best friend, Jenna.  Alice, a stinger, magnanimously insists this does not bother her and, shockingly, gives her husband permission to sleep with Jenna.  He naïvely believes her and pursues the new relationship.  Meanwhile, Alice does everything in her power to woo her husband away from Jenna, even using her children as a weapon—something that Jenna cannot compete with.  Eventually, Alice admits to herself that she is jealous.  She becomes openly upset with her husband’s infidelity and leaves him, taking the children.

Centered persons deal with jealousy by addressing the root causes through self-reflection.  This kind of self-analysis often reveals that the feelings arise out of personal insecurity or the sense that someone outside of the relationship is getting something that you want and are not getting.

With respect to insecurity, the centered person can explore the source of her or his feelings and work on re-building a sense of self-confidence.  To address unmet needs, the centered person can ask their partner for what they are lacking.  Of course, if the partner is in fact having an affair or offering affection to others, the centered person is able to act on her or his values about monogamy and loyalty rationally. No one can truly “possess” another, but if monogamy is important, centered people can end the relationship without questioning their own self-worth.  Then again, there are those precious few who do not mind that their lover has another partner.

The centered person’s goal is to create a schedule that meets the needs of self, friends, family, and lovers.  But, by being aware of all these needs, by remembering that one cannot be all things to all people, and by allowing for some spontaneous flow in her or his life, the centered person can truly embrace the holistic potential we all have inside of us.  As I have shown, certain characteristics distinguish one style from another.  They are summarized in the following chart.

Summary: Key Characteristics Of Intimacy Patterns

While not without any fears or anxieties in relationship, centered persons can manage such feelings by getting perspective on them and working through them. Their lives are not run by fear. For them, time alone is solace for the soul, a time to be with oneself without the impingement of others’ needs and demands. It is a time for rest, renewal, the inner journey, reading, writing, making art, time with nature. Solitude is rich with potential. The centered person is not dominated by the need to control relationships or life. Secure within her or himself, she or he is able to let the experiences of life come and go, learning from them. She or he is able to look at her or his own feelings with loving acceptance, to learn from them and then then release them.

Some moderate clingers learn from previous relationships and wait for more appropriate partners in order to avoid being hurt again.  They try to take care of their social needs by creating a network of friends.  This emotional support system acts as a safety net, saving them from succumbing to the seduction of a potentially hurtful lover.   

The ideal of the centered intimacy pattern can be used as a guide for enjoying a balanced relationship. In order to maintain balanced boundaries, determine appropriate limits, and become centered, each person must be self-aware. With an understanding of the patterns of the intimacy dance and by letting go of the hurtful choreographies of the past, the opportunity to co-create a new, harmonious dance of love comes. Like the fresh, unbroken whiteness after a snowfall, the dance floor opens before us as a pattern-free space, available to the inspirations and needs of the moment.

References:

"A Guide to Rational Living, with Dr. Jeffrey Mishlove." Interview by Albert Ellis, Ph.D. Thinking Allowed Productions, Conversations On the Leading Edge of Knowledge and Discovery. The Intuition Network. Oakland, CA, 2007. Television. www.intuition.org

Beattie, Melody. The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for the Today's Generation. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2008.          

No, No, Nanette. Dir. Herbert Wilcox. Perf. Anna Neagle. Suffolk Productions, 1940.

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